What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 22.06.2025 10:36
Was to survive, this bastard.
This is soul school!.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
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Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
(And it was in our own minds.)
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
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She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I was very sick at this time too.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
So, i spoilt her more .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She married twice! .
But ive been too sick for many years..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
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Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I don,t even have a pension.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
How can reading fiction be turned from escapism into personal growth?
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
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My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
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Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
What should I do if I love a girl and she apparently doesn't love me?
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She wouldn,t have been !
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
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But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Why did i forgive my father ?
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I was 9 years of age.
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All the time i was locked up.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Ive learnt so much.
My life is so biszare .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Comes on , in middle age.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I couldn’t, believe it.
So whats the point in blame.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He knew the spot.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I was seconnd youngest,
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
And i lived it daily.
I waited trembling.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
But it wasn’t much.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
We all went to grammer schools
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I could never make a relationship work though!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
It was going to be , some day.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I was scared of men, in general
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
My family never makes their pension either.
I never cut or harmed myself..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She found it foreign!.
I have no regrets .
Put me off passion for life!!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
What did i know ?
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I will be 64.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Im still living with it.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
She was in good health!
As i do to all so called friends.?
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I write beautiful poetry .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
One cannot live in the past .
I think the readers, may guess!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Who then, do I blame.?
We were not on the streets..
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
When she asked me how she looked .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I said to her
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
But, we were locked up after school.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She loved him until the end.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Would this be the day?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.